Lexicon of Stupidity

Just a quickie.

One of my favorite sayings ever: "It's always in the last place you look."

If you can't tell why this is stupid, you should probably leave.

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I have had several conversations recently where clients have wanted to change some or all of the functionality of their site, but were absolutely insulted by the idea that they might have to pay for it.

They think that all the time it takes me or my coworkers to make these changes should be included. No one would think to ask a mechanic to tune their engine or re-gear their transmission and then get caught off guard by them expecting to be paid for the changes. So why would someone expect their friendly neighborhood web developer to change their site for free.

I am developing a Universal Theory of Internet Clients and I believe this supports two of the points. Clients believe that "The Internet is Magic" and "They are special."

The clients are firmly convinced that the internet is magic. It sounds silly but here is my proof. Clients call me with an issue and expect me to be able to solve it with out even explaining what is wrong. They will only explain how what ever is wrong is affecting them. "I can't get my email." "I don't see my site." "The internet turned my screen blue." I seriously get voicemails with the words "the internet is broken" in them.

As long as clients believe that the internet is magic, they will also believe that the solution to their problem is magic. They won’t even try to fix their own problem. Instead they think to themselves “Hey, I don’t know magic. Only a technical support magician can fix this.” This leads to frustration when the support tech needs information from the client. “This guy sucks at magic! Maybe I should find a new magician.”

Also, since everyone grew up being told that they were special they believe they are special. For some reason logic breaks through the confusion only after the client has accepted this fallacy as fact. I think it has something to do with everything working in their favor if this is true.

Logically, special people deserve special attention. And if a special person has a special opinion, it must be right (or else it wouldn’t be special). Even more important special people should never have to pay for something if they don’t want to, that would mean that other peoples time and opinions were as important as (or maybe more important than) theirs.

Does it sound like a bunch of three year olds, cause it sure feels like it. Logical arguments tend to piss these people off. Although they may be stupefied by them initially, they end up convincing themselves that there must have been something wrong with the argument “cause it just didn’t feel right.” (Translation: “It didn’t end up with me getting my way.”) Learning from mistakes has little or no place here. Its just an endless mental vomiting of whim and preference.

I’m not sure yet if I want to understand these people or not. I’m afraid I have too much in common with them already and it seems to be “catching”.

Stupid is contagious, are you a carrier?

"Hiding behind a deceptive ballot label, they began with a big lead. But under the bright glare of public scrutiny, they learned once again that Californians won't be tricked by a power grab masquerading as reform." - Lou Paulson

Oh my crap, I know that these people feel compelled to come out and show that the cause that they have convinced themselves is "of the purest intentions" has been proven by Justice, but come on. Even the delusional schizos at the clinic just noticed their BS meters go off.

All I have ever known of politics has been "power grabs masquerading as reform". I thought that in the definition.

pol•i•tics (pol-i-tiks) n. The art or science of power grabs masquerading as reform, especially the governing of a political entity, such as a nation, and the administration and control of its internal and external affairs.

What is wrong with people who don’t know how to merge? Merging is like zipping up your pants. Each car is like a tooth in the zipper. I realize that zippers are a relatively new form of fastening things, but in the 100 or so years that they have been around most people have gotten the basic gist of it. Merging has been around since horse and buggies, so why is it so hard for some people to figure out. And what is going through their minds when they decide to try and edge out that next car. “If I can just get in front of this guy I bet traffic will open up.”
My favorites are the people who try to get around the tractor-trailers. “Good call!” Lets weigh the Pros vs. Cons. Pro – if you make it you get to wherever you are going approximately 3 seconds sooner, plus or minus. Con – if you don’t make it 30 tons of big-rig is going to run your “Mach 5” over. I leave the decision up to you.

Ok, what is wrong with the people who think it is ok to whistle into the phone while I am working.

I do a decent amount of work with someone waiting on the other end of the line. Every so often, not too regularly, some will get a little ditty stuck in their head and decide that they should share. I have one small problem with that, they whistle directly into the microphone of their phone. This produces a sound roughly equivalent of the sound a fax makes when it dials your phone number. I know they can hear it too, we have those new fangled "Full Duplex" phones, so they can hear the dying cat sounds they are creating. But instead of stopping when they realize how terrible it sounds they modulate the sound. What are they thinking? "If I can blow across the mic in just the right way I bet it will sound like I have drums in my mouth." Just a little heads up, unless your legal name has been changed to include the prefix "MC" or some phonetic equivalent, "beat box whistling" is probably not a performance art you should pursue.

Now don’t get me wrong, whistling is great! I personally love it. However, it has its proper time and place. (Filler when you cant remember the words to song on the radio, catcalls and driving people crazy on airplanes.) So if you find yourself on the phone and a happy little tune pops into your head, please do the rest of us a favor and bite your lip till the call is over.

Although I get complaining emails like the following frequently, I felt this was one of the better ones. I think what tickled me the most was the "holier than thou" attitude that came through with the terrible spelling. Rule 1 of writing a condescending email “Check your spelling!” Otherwise, people will just laugh and move on. If you truly want to damage their psyche, check your spelling. An insult that appears to be informed, regardless of whether it is or not, is far more emotionally caustic because it is harder to shrug off than the writings of an idiot.

Submitted for your approval, the following is a scathing email I received and the response that I wasn’t allowed to send back, but really wanted to.

The complaint email is in reference to the auto-generated notification we send out whenever a virus email travels through our server.

P.S. All spelling mistakes are real even the names have been left the same to harass the ignorant.

-----Lorna's Email----

Subject: RE: VIRUS ALERT: W32/Netsky.D@mm

It would appear that you are totally unaware how a worm virus works. Our company email address is probably on at least 200+ computers worldwide. The worm invades an unprotected computer (NOT MINE) and then propagates itself to every address in that computer. The virus did not come from our organisation. We have the latest firewall and anti virus protection. In addition we have every worm removal tool on a daily schedule just in case the dashed thing can wriggle by our excellent defences.

Lorna Judgeington
fakeaddress@don't_want_to_get_sued.org.uk

----My Executively Vetoed Response----

Lorna,

Thanks for that most informative and amusing lesson on worms and email address spoofing. You were meant to teach.

I'm sorry that our auto-response was so threatening to your internet security ego, but bravo on keeping up to date with your anti-virus software. And to have "every worm removal tool on a daily basis", that must take a devoted staff of researchers just to keep up with.

I imagine, new "worm removal tools" are created almost daily and you know how those sneaky "cheeky-monkey" programmers like to hide their worm removal tools.

I would like to note that despite your decision to embrace the brave new world of worm removal tools it would appear you are totally unaware of how a spellchecker works.

Cheers!

Recently while straitening up the front office a co-worker commented:

"The People Magazine can go out front [for the clients], but the Star Magazine shouldn't-it's just gossip."

They are so right, with hard hitting stories like "Survivor Hatch Indicted on Dodging Taxes" and "Hollywood Baby Boom" putting People in the front office just says "Classy".

"Please contact us if you have suffered a burn at work or in public that has required a hospitalization or DEATH."
- Excerpt from a TV Commercial

I have found that life is full of people, including myself, saying things that are...well...stupid. Not just ignorant or misguided but acutally stupid.

I think that in many cases if we stopped to actually look at what is being said we would laugh ourselves silly. In a vain attempt to facilitate this silly laughing, I have decided to record this stupidity and save it for posterity.