Lexicon of Stupidity

I am growing a little weary of the uncanny insightfulness that I have been finding in the news lately. Today’s installment was the tome: "Lebanese-Americans upset with Israel’s assault on Lebanon”. No way! Someone was pissed that there is a big smoking hole where their grandma's house used to be? Why is this news?

Could we get some history on the situation? Maybe what the various governments involved in this remote controlled war are doing to end/encourage it. Telling me that people are upset that their relatives’ homes were leveled isn't really giving me any new information or insight.

Do the editors really think that readers are that mentally deficient? It's not a isolated incident either, page 2 held a delightfully informative guide on how to use a photo booth. (I wish I was kidding about that part.)

I predict that eventually they will just stop bothering with words at some point and just show pretty pictures. When pretty pictures get too "heady" maybe we will all just sit down to look at the Sunday morning color. "Oooh, Me luV pERpls dAy"

On the front page of this mornings paper was an image with one of the more thought provoking captions I had ever read.

"ON THE STREET: As many as 3,000 people, mostly high school students, marched through downtown Santa Ana on Monday, protesting immigration legislation in Congress. Many are worried about attempts to make it a crime to be in the U.S. illegally."

At first glance, it makes sense. The headline might as well have read, "Teens protesting flavor of the month political issue" (read "found an excuse to get out of school"). Hey, it must be time for another election. Enough said, right?

The part that screamed "I'm the editor cuz my dad owns the company" was this, "Many are worried about attempts to make it a crime to be in the U.S. illegally". I'm not talking about a blurb between Dear Abby and Little Orphan Annie on page 11 of the entertainment section, this was the front friggin page.

Maybe this is just a problem of semantics. Is "illegal" a new hip complement and I just haven't been told. "Dude that is so popin' fresh it is illegal, yo. It's off the wiggity wack, bling bling, synergy, mission critical!" Or is there a new tiered value system that distinguishes something that is illegal from a crime? Does it go, Annoying, Frowned Upon, Illegal, Occasionally Enforced and then Crime. Does anything come after "Crime" like "Super Crime" or "Offending a Rich Person Who Can Afford 'More Equal' Justice"?

We recently had a new addition to the family. A blessed pooping and crying machine was bestowed on us in the disguise of a little bundle of joy. I cannot say that I am unhappy with the transaction even though on paper it does appear that we lost out. Somehow there is a cuteness pattern that has been woven into the core of people. Call it an accident or by design it still seems to be strong in most functional humans. That cuteness pattern seems to overcome all the other crappy (bad pun intended) parts of “promoting the species”. That having been stated, it has nothing to do with the stupidity that I witnessed at the hospital.

Now, for the most part our nurses, doctors and midwives were brilliant. They took great care in what they said and did. That backdrop was the reason why this comment stood out so profoundly. The comment was preceded by 20+ hours of sleep depriving labor and most importantly an epidural. An act which I have been assured by both Lamaze instructors and well meaning, yet misguided parishioners, is a cardinal sin. After the “sin” had been administered the nurse said in all sincerity, “There, that will let you enjoy the labor process.”

Wow! “Enjoy the labor process.” You actually said that out loud. Which part do you think will be the most fun? The part where her body is screaming at her to eject the watermelon sized poop but, you are telling her she needs to hold it for an undetermined amount of time? Or do you think it will be when the skin in her, now public, private regions starts ripping apart from being stretched beyond its capacity, because everyone in the room knows that they turn that “sin-o-dural” off when its time to push, so she gets to feel all that.

Even in that sleep deprived state I was aware that this nurse meant well and far more importantly held much sway in the important decisions that made sure prompt and proper care was administered. It was therefore my duty not to “piss her off” by pointing out how stupid her comment sounded. I don’t know how well I was able to fake a “thank you” smile at that point, but I didn’t dare say anything, there was no masking the “you’re an insensitive airhead” tone I was sure to produce.

In the end it all came out well (again, bad pun intended). I have forgotten a lot of what happened in those wee hours of the morning, but that sage advise is forever burned into my memory.